Cynicalkitty's blog

OFFICIALLY MOVING PERMANENTLY TO.....

http://cynicalkitty-cynicalkitty.blogspot.com/

So if you wish to continue reading my ever so exciting saga(sarcasm intended)
Please follow me =)

If not, well Deuces to you too =p

Hm, I'm too lazy to make another post lol

But I'm seriously considering making a blog on blogspot.
It lets you post as many pictures as you like and it seems really similar to Vox.

I already set up an account so when I do actually move there I'll post a link here unfortunately I havn't found a way to import my posts from here.
It's going to suck abandoning all my posts.. but I mean its not like they are disappearing they will always be here..I just need to start a new just like I did when I made my Vox blog.

AND HOPE the site doesnt get shut down. It's any wonder why I have an affiliation with any of these sites... oh yeah cause I can't afford my own =p

I'm at home right now, decided to take a trip home for the night sometimes I just really need to take a break from the place im living right now, there is just too much chaos and stress its literally like a zoo. dog eat dog I just need some down time to do my own thing and breathe and just be on my own.

I'll be 14 weeks tomorrow, very happy because im now entering the second trimester of pregnancy, I've just been paranoid about miscarriage but as the second trimester appears the percentage drops drastically.
I also have developed a little pouch now =)

Aside from my breasts I don't think im very noticeable as of yet.

The only craving I really have is for stuffed green olives. I can't seem to get enough of those.

In other non baby news =p,

Haji is doing so much better, He seems like he is really trying now, the past few weeks have been hell because of him, and then he makes me upset and we've just been at it almost everyday. But this week has been a really good one, I can tell hes actually trying to get better. He's been dressing up, making an effort to be there, and not constantly running around, we even went to church on Sunday.

....Which was a really odd experience, it was a church with video cameras, tv screens.. lots of singing and people who jump up and scream hallelujah whenever they want to... not exactly my cup of tea but the fact that we went made me feel content because I can tell he really wants to change.

I'm just really happy right now. I hope that I don't jinx myself by saying all this.

I got a new phone, I havn't hooked it up yet, I bought it off of someone in Providence for $15 and I have to tell you its worth about $100. It's a Verizon LG Ally. It's an Android phone. Touch Screen, keypad etc. The person who sold it also forgot to take out the 2 gb SD card inside as well $20 normally.

I was kind of stupid when I bought it because it was locked and it could have very well been stolen or missing and if it was reported to Verizon as such chances are I can't connect it.

BUT, I did manage to unlock it, which im very proud of =)
Unlocked my first phone. could be a little career possibly in the future =p

It's an awesome phone if I could just see if I could connect it, it has an sd card reader, plays music, loud speaker, and the best feature of all.

WIFI, even if I can't connect it I just might keep it for the Wifi, so I can use it in different places. Before I used to trek in the cold to CCRI or the library just so I could use the computer but now I can just use this phone.

So even if I can't connect it I'll end up keeping it just for that.

It seems like the ds has been lacking any decent games lately, mostly its been just those dumbass hidden object games, what is this ISpy? Are we 5 years old or something? What is the appeal behind these games and the fact that they sell is disturbing, you'd think that they would sell games that require a little more intelligence to play.

I've resorted to going back and playing old games that have already been released. Like right now im playing a game called 9persons 9 hours 9 doors that could be in the wrong order but the right words. It's a tough puzzle game but it definetely gets me thinking. Not so tough that it requires a walkthrough though.

It's like a puzzle/adventure game.

I really miss my 360

My psp was stolen but I don't see it as a total loss, the games they had out for the psp were eh... lacking. I guess is the word.

I wish I could add more than one picture. Pictures always make things more interesting. There has got to be a way to go about this.

Making a quick post, have to leave for the bus soon,

I'm at home right now just visiting the rents right now, a surprisingly quiet visit, just to get away from all the chaos down in Providence.
Also managed to pick up some things from home.

I'm 13 weeks and 2 days now, in 7 more weeks we'll be able to know what the baby is...though we're still wondering if we should keep it a surprise or not.
I'm dying to know, but they also say there are chances it could be wrong... so WHY BOTHER?? lol.

Thanksgiving was ... brief. Didn't spend it with the family, just sat and ate all day what was given to us, but we were full and thats all that counts.

No job, this really sucks, but I'm trying. I think I can't really do CNA anymore. I mean I could for a few more months but its going to get to a point where I can't lift people anymore, or even do things like bend over, so I'm thinking maybe I should try to find a cashier job?

At least I have insurance coverage, food stamps and wic to help me out not that im proud of that but it is something.

I'm really allergic to something around here in this house I've been sneezing and scratching at my eyes like crazy I wonder what it is.

We have mice in our house, I sat on the couch and rice spilled out of it, so we think its where the mice are hoarding their food. oh well I dont live here anymore =p

I am eating a chocolate creme pie and it is delicious, its a weird thing about pregnancy it brings out everything as if your doing it or tasting it or smelling it for the first time it makes things more intense.

I mean I had no major symptoms of pregnancy but I think this is one of them =)

Maybe mom is being nice, she just got back from BJS and got me sweatpants...since im outgrowing all my pants...wow. I dont know what to say.

Im happy I guess? Shes somewhat accepting of this?

This ultrasound picture was taken last Monday, I was 12 weeks and 4 days along it says 13 weeks and 2 days because that was the guesstimate.

Since I'm a week behind from what they said the due date is now June 2nd.
I can't wait but at the same time I'm freaking out inside =p

I'm exhausted. It seems like no matter how early I go to bed, I never get enough rest, the baby is kicking my ass from the inside out.

On top of that I have to wake up early so that I can go to work for an hour and a half at my shitty job.

I dont know why I just dont quit already... I guess its because its the only income I have right now.

I just found out yesterday that I can go to the clinic if I need to, If I need to take a nap since the womens side doesnt open up till 2pm 5pm on Wednesdays because they exterminate.

I really wish I didnt have to eat in the morning it seems every morning whenever I eat something I just want to throw it back up. Its not morning sickness just nausea I was never a breakfast eater, not till I got pregnant anyway.

I'm not sure if I wrote this in the last entry but Haji and I went to Women and Infants AGAIN, Seems like Im in an out of the hospital all the time now.

I'm suppose to be 11 weeks but when they looked on the ultrasound they said that I was about 9.5 weeks, which kind of concerns me because I've been counting ever since I went to women and Infants the first time and I should be 11 weeks, or the baby is just growing slower than normal?

I have an "official" ultrasound on the 22nd of November so hopefully we'll actually know how far along I am.

It seems like this is all my life consists of now is Haji, Me pregnancy and baby.

I'm excited for Thanksgiving. I just really feel like having some comfort food. I dont think im going to be with my family. I havnt been invited nor do I think I'd feel comfortable enough to go. Nor do I think Haji would be comfortable either, and I want to be with him on Thanksgiving.

So we might go to a friends house or something and have some soul food instead which sounds 10x better than some dry turkey and boiled vegetables. =)

Gotta catch the bus

Ok so still hate Typepad yet im using it simply because it has all of my posts and I'm too lazy to find another blog to use.

As of today I'm 10 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Though sometimes I wonder whether there is anything in there at all.

I seem to lack any normal pregnancy symptoms. Aside from breast pain.

I do get occasional cravings. Recently during the day its been savory things and at night time I crave cotton candy and ring pops.

But other than that I start to worry myself with fears that maybe there isn't anything in there at all.

But I also hear thats normal...

Ok blah blah blah aside I guess getting down to what I really felt like writing about, I'm so aggravated and depressed right now. I just feel like crying.

But due to where Im at I have no privacy to cry whatsoever. I don't like to cry in front of people, I don't like the attention it brings, I prefer to do it in solitude.

I don't know where my boyfriend is right now. He does this sometimes he takes off and he doesn't tell me where he is or what he's doing.

Even though I know what he is doing, and I know what your thinking it's not cheating. It's something worse..but I'm going to keep that to myself for now.

It starts by him saying something like hes going to get something but a half hour goes by then an hour then 2 and I know he isn't coming back that night.

At first I'm resilient about it, I don't care, I'm so used to it, I dust it off my shoulders, but as time goes on, that carelessness turns to anger, the anger turns to worry then the worry turns to sadness.

I don't know what to do about it. It really bothers me. I would appreciate a call or something just to let me know hes alright and I'm going to see him tomorrow, but sometimes he disappears for a day and a half, sometimes I have to go find him.

It's getting rediculous I thought I was the one suppose to be cared for, I thought I was the one who was pregnant? Why does it seem like the other way around?

I guess I'm overly emotional too. With being angry and sad and pissed and not caring. I wish I could make my heart cold but it's impossible..

underneath it all I can't deny that I love him.

I can't write anymore I might just burst into tears right in this fucking library..

Ok so kind of big news, ok huge news. At least in my life.

I'm pregnant. Yeah, I got knocked up. Bluntly put.

Towards the end of September I pretty much expected my period to come along I waited for what seemed like days and kept getting these little cramps in my side I even had the pads ready and everything, but like 5 days past and no period to be found..

So I ended up taking test which wasn't accurate it was one of those stupid blue cross tests it came out very lightly so I couldn't tell whether or not it was actually positive.

I also came to find out through a google search that these tests are notorious for being inaccurate so I waited a few more days and got one of the tests with the two red lines and sure enough... clear as day.. POSITIVE.

Just to be sure I bought one of those..fancy digital ones for $15 can you believe that shit? They are actually digital too, like a calculator or a watch, i just thought it was a name but there is actually a computer that is run by batteries in the test..

The father, Haji, is just as happy as I am. Hes going through a lot of his own shit right now, at the time I told him he was going through his own crisis which turned out to be an influence for him to get better.. hes still struggling but hes getting there day by day, I just wish I could say the same for my parents.

We had a fight over something stupid about a week ago and I stupidly blurted out that I was pregnant. So I'm living in Providence right now back in the shelter I was in a few months ago Crossroads.

i knew my mom would be pissed but hey thats her problem. She says shes willing to take me back if I "apologize" for what exactly? Because im moving on in my life, because something I didnt expect to happen did? What did i do wrong to her?

She just can't except that fact that

A. I'm Pregnant
B. My boyfriend just happens to be black.

Her fucking problem. Shes leaving on the 21st for Thailand anyway maybe I'll move back like the 20th, I just don't want to have to deal with the stress of her nagging and telling me It's not too late to have an abortion bullshit every 5 minutes. She'll be gone for a month which is good for me.

So I'm 7 weeks and 5 days a long.

I ended up going to Women and Infants hospital the other day because I had a scare a little bleeding and what not. They did an ultrasound the baby is about the size of a bean =)

I also got to hear the heartbeat, I was so scared up until that moment but when I heard that heart beating it was like all my fears washed away instantly, I didn't even know that the baby had a heart that early. Not to mention it was fast they said it was 122..? But they said it was perfect so i didn't care.

As far as symptoms the only thing I've had so far is breast pain everyday, night whatever and they are growing huge.. they are becoming really annoying.

I get really tired easily, i'm starting to get concerned because im falling asleep at work, usually it takes me a lot to fall asleep sleeping pills etc but I feel like im always tired all the time, i've been sleeping in the shelter really early like 7:30ish generally..

Cramping at first at all different times now more when I do anything moving or walking or running so I try not to go as fast as I used to.

Eating, too much. LOL.

Cravings - Potatoes Mashed/boiled,
Seafood, Sushi, (YEAH I KNOW I CANT HAVE IT) Breakfast type foods.

No morning sickness so far. Which I hope lasts =)

ugh i'm falling asleep need to get back to the shelter now, I'll try to keep updating when I can get near a computer..

No, REALLY FML.

Would it be such a shame for me to just start bawling my fucking eyes out right now.

the only reason im using this piece of shit made by yours truly SIX fucking APART God only know's when this will be shut down too.
Is because I really need to put this somewhere other than my head or its going to explode.

I don't know how to handle my shit anymore, it's like when one thing piles on top of another, like jinga and my sanity is literally teetering on that one block that just may cause an entire break down.

I need to go back on my meds, I stop them because I look at my box of pills every morning and I say to myself this is my life. I have to take 6 pills a day. 6 I'm 23 FUCKING YEARS OLD and I HAVE TO TAKE 6 PILLS A DAY.

Something about that is REALLY screwed up.

So I stopped taking them. And look at me now. It's a cost of my pride or my sanity.

At this point I guess I have to make a choice.

I just want to unload all the reasons why im feeling this way but I can't because some of them are too private and im just not ready and others someone doesnt want me to reveal.

I need to be strong, Someone I know is going through some serious tough times right now and he needs someone with him right now, someone stable, caring and supportive because i'm literally the only one he has. Yet I feel like im going to just lose it any second.

Like I'll just be walking to work and start crying for no reason kind of losing it.

I don't know what to do. It's like all my normal methods of calming down, arn't working anymore. 

What do you do when you don't know what to do anymore?

WHAT THE FUCK

You know what it fucking figures I finally find a blog site that I like to update on a regular and they fucking decide to shut down. Like what the fuck. I have so much history here, God I hate when sites do this, it's like WHY DO YOU BOTHER TO MAKE A SITE just if your gonna SHUT the shit down.

It figures it would be too good to be true the photo,audio and video uploads it was too easy. Damn it.

Mountain dew.

Mountain dew

I need to stop drinking this shit. Water is always the best way to go. I don't know why but I've been getting tired easily lately. I have insomnia and I usually need to take 200 of Trazedone to get to sleep but recently..its like I feel like I might not need it.. which is a good thing, but bad because I don't want to be tired right now?

My last post was rather depressing, but it's been awhile since I had a rant on anything in the news lately.
Just felt like writing about my lame personal life and everyday occurances.

Dead comps

 

I was trying to make my songs louder because I have a phone that doesn't play them very loud and somehow along the line I deleted something I wasnt suppose to and now I have no sound.

It's like a dead computer to me now, I mean I can write and use the internet but I can't watch anything or listen to music.. it's like a hallow shell. All I can hear is the clicking of me typing. My dad won't fix it because he's too busy on his computer which if he could he would use from 7am - 12am. He's like obsessed with this one site, that looks a lot like facebook. I never see him get up to watch the tv, or take a nap like he usually did.

I hope I never become like that, I actually have a life. It may not be the most exciting life, but a life none the less.

Hospital

   My boyfriend is in the hospital..I'm concerned. He's not hurt or anything, he's fine, but he's going through a lot right now. He calls me up at 11:30 and tells me hes in the hospital, I ask him why and he said hes trying to get help.
He has some issues with drinking and his past and he decided to get help and trust me I completely understand that.

So I decided that I would go see him, I go to RI Hospital emergency room and I asked them if he was there, so they are looking it up in their computer and they say "Nope no one under that name but you can dial this .."
yeah yeah yeah, so I dial the number and they tell me too that he isn't there,

Now I knew he was there, I don't know if they spelt his name wrong, or their computers are fucked up, but I knew he was there. So I kind of snuck in to every pod to try to find him.

I finally made it to D-Pod, where I was when I was admitted in January it's a locked down unit, for people who are not safe from themself or others.. suicidal, homicidal, drunk, high etc. I know hes in there.

So I ask them is he there,  "Oh can you wait 30 minutes we're switching shifts" so I was like ok... I wait.. and 30 minutes comes by I ring the bell this security guard comes out,  "Who are you looking for etc"

All I wanted to know is IF he was there, because the people upstairs told me no.  So the guard did tell me he was there.. and that I still had to wait because he was being seen by a doctor. So I wait and the wait becomes an hour.

Finally this girl comes out and shes like "can we talk in private"  I'm thinking oh shit what is this about.

She starts asking me all these questions, would he ever hurt himself, would he ever commit suicide, Why is he living in a shelter, does he do drugs and alcohol, Do you know why he's here, is he depressed, they asked me for my name and number.. for what exactly?

So after the interrogation process, she goes inside and tells me I'm going to see if I can get you in there.. I wait 10 minutes and she comes out, the doctor and the nurses are saying you can't see him because it might rile him up and hes calm right now..

I'm like ..what? what do you mean? Shes like oh hes been biligerent to staff and security has been called a few times.. he is not safe to leave tonight..

So I waited an hour, just for you to come tell me this NOW.  D-Pod is always busy but what the fuck.
You have me out here worried as hell and then you tell me I can't see him an hour later?

Why didn't you tell me that from the beginning? Now im even more worried because they won't let me see him. 
Meaning he must reallly be messed up.

Rhode Island Hospital gives good treatment I have to say that but their people skills suck.
They don't give two shits if your outside waiting and worrying about somebody. It's on THEIR time.

Im glad hes getting help, detoxing he really needs it. I've been wanting him to do that for a long time.
I'm trying to be as supportive as I can.. I really do love him with all my heart..

He called me at 7:30ish, told me he was alright and I told him everything about how I came to see him the interrogation process, they didn't even tell him I came and I told her to tell him.

So he was kind of pissed that they wouldn't let me in. He told me what happened why security was there, and I get it, I had security watching me too, you have to ask to actually take a shit. Take a piss, do ANYTHING. Someone staring at you all the time. He tell me he was thinking about going through detox, which again im happy, hes doing that, I just hope it changes and sticks.. 

I hope tomorrow they let me in, fingers crossed.